Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Quick personal goal update

Since June 26th I have lost a grand total of 32 pounds and now run an averae of 5 to 7 miles per day. I am down two jean's sizes and the down size to losin weight is I lose boob size so I am down a size there to.

Prior to me deciding to change how and what I eat, and to push myself to work harder to do the rim to rim, M would out do me at the gym most of the time. Now I can say this with all the love in my heart, M is a SLACKER!!! Example today I did six and a half miles and he did alittle over two. Granted his legs hurt and knees are bothering him so I will give him a break for today, but ummm how about the last two weeks when I've consistantly out ran him. HAHAHA SLACKER.

Ok sorry couldn't resist, I've called him a slacker everywhere else so might as well here. And yes I understand this means war, we are competitive like that. So he will soon out do me again which will push me to do more so I can continue to call him a slacker. *LOL*

Another rant

Forgive the rant. I promise to post something worthwhile soon. However, my right hand is casted due to a torn tendon in my thumb so typing is a bit difficult. I see the surgeon on Monday to see if the swelling is down enough for him to schedule the surgery so I can have two working hands again.

But back to the rant, M and I decided to help someone we knew and rent a room to her until January. The agreement was clear, it is set amount per month, buy your own food and understand I am OCD about clean (IE DO NOT leave dishes in my sink, put them in the dishwasher, clean up after yourself, etc. And understand I am on a strict diet, I follow in order to eat healthier. I am also an insomniac who wakes up very easily, so when I am asleep be frigging quiet because once I am awake, I usually cannot go back to sleep.

Needless to say, she has not followed a single house rule, is eating us out of house and home, and insists on keeping a light blaring at night after I go to bed that shines into our room which means sleep is practically not happening for me. She leaves dishes in the sink routinely despite M and I both telling her it is my pet peeve and part of my OCD, I have also sat them  in her room, thrown a few away, and still she leaves them in the sink.

Despite all that it is not my biggest complaint. I am all for social networking, heck I have this blog, but seriously on Facebook for example, she manages to post some picture or comment approximately every 60 seconds. It was so bad, we un-followed her because I never saw anything else. This upset her. Really, I log on to Facebook once in a while to catch up and say hi to friends who despite us living in the same city do not see each other often. Our adult children also tend to post really cute pictures of my grandchildren from time to time. And yes I even occasionally farm though I have not done so in months.

In addition, some of you I do consider friends and look forward to meeting you face to face one day. In saying that I must say that I have a reality issue, other than a small handful of people, I need face to face contact for a friendship to blossom etc.  Again there are exceptions to every rule (IE BC MUM). Yet this woman will interject herself into conversations and it appears she starts every conversation with “The person I chat with from whatever site). From the time she wakes up until she goes to bed she is online. And frankly I do not get it.

Oh wait it gets better. Today M and I were enjoying a lazy day in bed while she was supposed to be at work. We were curled up in bed surrounded by our kitties and puppies, when suddenly she was here. She got laid off. This means and I would bet a paycheck she is not going to pay her rent because she is no longer working. This normally would not upset me, just get her evicted, however due to the thumb injury workman’s comp does not pay what I usually make.

To supplement my income and because it is a duty for all of us to vote and to make an educated choice as to whom was vote for. So, I am working for one of the campaigns, and offered said person a position. Granted the pay is awful and the hours or 2pm to 10pm but it is a job for someone who doesn’t have one. And she said no and will not go. Her reasoning is because she doesn’t know anything about the candidates. NOW I’m pissed.

She can spend up to twelve hours a day making back to back useless posts on Facebook but cannot take the time to read candidates platforms to make a decision on who to vote for. I even asked her how she was going to decide and her answer was she is not planning to vote. Well if you don’t vote then I don’t believe you can bitch about what our officials do or don’t do. But then again it is not something “someone she chats with” finds important.

This is not a young person, she is in her fifties and finds posting useless photos and talking to people she will never meet more important than taking an interest in the election or even getting out and talking to real people and experiencing life.

It reminds me of that car commercial where that young girl signs her parents up for a social networking site and is upset they have only a handful of friends, and the camera goes to the parents out having fun while she is at home scanning photos on the site.

Really, how can you have such a lack of interest in reality, and lack of desire to at least have some form of income coming in.  I guess she things M and I will just sit back on the first of the month and let her not paying her share slide. If she was making an effort to find work, we might, but to sit online and make no effort and even flat out refuse a job even a temporary one because you don’t like the hours. Seriously, I am not that understanding. Our pregnant daughter is even working for the campaign to earn extra money for her household, and because she is my daughter and is passionate about what she believes in.

Ok, I am done ranting and now my hand hurts again.

I will try to post a more intelligent informative post in the coming days. Again I am passionate about some areas of this years election, but do not want to ruffle feathers if we disagree on what party is better suited, so I will think of something that is not me blowing a gasket.

Thanks for listening and BC Mum, we miss ya. Hope all is well with you, your husband and your furbabies. I was going to call you a few days ago, but realized my phone ate your number, so when you get a chance give us a call.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Violence in the name of religion is nothing more than hate

Yet again the acts of a few radicals are viewed by some as the entirety of our country, and yet again religion is at the heart of it. I for one believe each and every person is entitled to his or her own beliefs and those that bash others beliefs are no better than those who maim and murder to defend their beliefs. Yet, it is not all American’s just as it is not all Muslim’s who flew into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon in 2011.  Yet, again the United States is facing a war over religious beliefs and a few people who decided to bash other’s religious views. The people who put out the video and so called movie do not represent all the people of our country, and in fact the majority do not agree with the filmmakers, but innocent people are being injured and killed because it is presumed we all feel that way.

I whole-heartedly agree with Secretary of Hillary Clinton who described the events as “an awful internet video that we had nothing to do with.”  I also support our president who has stated to the countries where the violence is occurring “Stop the violence and seek justice against those attacking diplomatic missions or else the United States will.

While I do not relish the idea of another way, I also do not believe people should be permitted to respond by murdering innocent people in the name of religion. I should also state I do not believe all Muslims are involved in the violence but only a small majority.

I sincerely hope the countries in which this is occurring responds accordingly so that innocent people on both sides are not drug into a war over the views of a view.

I am outraged, outraged that a video and movie in which the filmmaker lied to the actors and about his own name is being used as a reason to attack the United States and its diplomatic leaders. I am also outraged the people are driven to the violence of the last view days, and have not stopped to consider this is one person or at most a handful of people putting out the hate videos, and if we all worked together to shut the hate down it would show the world and the few hate groups that we can work together to stop the hate, instead of giving them fodder to fuel the hate which is what the groups engaged in the violent acts are doing.

I know a few Muslims and have been told it is a peaceful religion, and the protestors do not represent the entire Muslim community. I believe that to be true, and I sincerely hope that this situation does not continue to escalate because if it does, it won’t be good for either side, and more innocent people will die.

In saying that I should also say, that I understand in our country we have a freedom of speech and that the filmmaker is more than likely going to stand behind the right, however, there are times it is not permitted, such as when that freedom incites riots etc. In this case, I believe his video did just that and that he or the few involved should be held just as accountable for inciting the violence as those engaged in it.

Just my two cents worth, and I am sure I will have a more well thought out dialogue coming, but for now I am angry and upset at what is occurring around the world all in the name of religion.




Wednesday, September 5, 2012

My Personal Challenge

M and I go daily to the gym at 5:00 a.m. and run. I had grown lazy, and due to a injured knee used it as an excuse to do very little, while eating more than normal for me. In early June I decided my butt had got to big and vowed to start eating better and doing more at the gym. As such I began doing an hour each morning on the treadmill and increased the incline every so often.

I should also say M and I are competitive with each other and he almost always out does me. But the drive to out do him also pushed me on. Then last week I heard of a run, the rim to rim rum. Starting at the north rim of the Grand Canyon, your go down, then across the bottom of the canyon and back up the south rim. It is a grand total of 27.5 miles. For some reason I have decided this is something I want to do.

I have done the research, the best times to go are September-October and March-April. It is a given there is no way I will be ready to do it in a few weeks so I have decided on April, 2013, I am going to tackle the run.

With that said, I have ramped up the workouts even more. I was doing an hour to 90 minutes a day with a goal of 5 miles per day. Now, I am waking an hour earlier and doing 90 minutes to 2 hours and will increase the time every three to four weeks. Goal is 10 miles each morning, with the weekends being double that since I will have more time.

I have also gone on a high protein diet and eating every two hours. I must say this diet is not so much a diet because I am actually eating more than I have in years, but it is mostly fresh fruits and vegetables. So, far its not to bad.

Yesterday I got two hours in for a total of 6.51 miles with the first 90 minutes at an 8% incline and the last half hour at a 2% decline since I will have to go down the north rim and back up the south. This morning I only got 4 miles at an 8% incline because my body HURTS!!

However, tomorrow it is back to waking at 4 a.m. to ensure I have the time to put in 2 hours and still shower and make it to work on time. My goal is to get the incline up to 15% since that is around the incline I will have to travel up the south rim.

As a bonus since I have started this work out and the new diet two days ago I seem to be losing a pound a day. I do not expect that rapid weight loss to continue but it is an added bonus.

I was also thinking today, my brother and I were always competitive with each other and the rim to rim would be up his alley to beat his little sister. I am sure when the time comes and I am running across the Grand Canyon I will miss him even more than I still do, but I can’t help but think in some small way he will be running with me, urging me on, and taunting me to not give up when needed.

Either way it should be fun, if the training doesn’t kill me. The incline has my butt sore (laughs), working muscles that are not used to it My feet hurt (I need new running shoes) and my legs hurt. I think I am going to die trying *laughs*

I will keep you updated on my progress towards completing the rim to rim run..


Monday, August 27, 2012

A short rant

So, while, I have made no secret that there are times I want a relationship with C. There are days like today, where I am thankful I don’t because I would probably bitch slap her. Ok, rant all over.

As a side note at least once a day I usually want to bitch slap someone, Thank goodness I have self control, and don’t act on my impulses.


Monday, August 6, 2012

An update on us

Sorry, yet again I have missed a week or two of posting. Life has been a roller coaster ride of emotions lately, and frankly, I am not enjoying the ride.  Due to my mood I have stayed to myself except for the occasional blasting of M, who more often than not got the brunt of my wrath.

Before giving the run down on all of us, I should let everyone know, the taking life out on M has ended. He is stressed to the max now, and doesn’t need me adding to it. All the things that have upset me over the last couple weeks will still be there when our lives settle down, and my theory is they will work out however they are supposed to. All of that is not something I am ready to discuss except to say that I would not trade polygamy for anything, but any relationship has its up and downs, and unfortunately M hit a down stride with both of his wives. Poor man could not win even if he tried.  I just hope it all works out and life resumes to normal.

Let me start with our dog Shadow (the one we rescued from the pound nearly a year ago). A friend of ours asked if her boyfriend could stay with us for about a month until he moves to the state she moved to a few months ago. We said sure and enter a new person in our house and the pet pit bull. When at work said person puts his dog in a pen, and I would feel terrible for the dog being locked up in a case for twelve or more hours a day so I would let him out when I got home to go outside and get a bit of exercise.

Last Monday, like I have been doing for the last several weeks I let him out, and me and all the dogs were outside. Shadow went to leap into my lap and the pit bull grabbed him out of thin air, and it was a fight to get him to let go of mine. I should point out Shadow is a small terrier who weighs all of 18 pounds. Once I had my dog free he had a gaping who in his neck and was terrified beyond belief.

I got the pit bull back in its cage and off to the vet we went. It was touch and go for two days, until he was able to have surgery to repair the whole that missed his jugular by an 1/8 of an inch. $800 dollars later, and he is on the mend. And before you ask, me and M are paying the vet bill for his surgery and treatment. We did get an “I’m sorry” but financially we are on our own. I realize I should probably not be upset about this, after all I let the dog out of its pen, but I am. But that is another argument all together. Either way, my goal was to ensure my baby had the care he needed as opposed to simply giving in an putting him down.

I have never in my life been afraid of a dog, but I am this one. I realize it is not the dogs fault, but a part of his nature, and the fact he is in a cage for about twelve hours a day while her owner is at work doesn’t help. Needless to say I no longer let her out of the pen, and our dogs are to be locked in my room when he lets her out even if she is on a leash. I hate to sound like a bitch, but I am not willing to risk my babies being further hurt.

Next up is M and C’s dog of 14 years. M is a fixer. He fixes things; he is the one we both turn to because it is his nature to fix that which is broken. This one he can’t fix and it is killing him. I can see it in his eyes, his expressions, and his body language. This is a pet he has had for the past 14 years and money was not a factor in battling the cancer. Sadly, it is a battle that is slowly being lost. M is going out of his way to try and get him to eat, to make him comfortable and seek out treatment that will ease his suffering. The sad truth is the form of cancer he has is not curable; there is nothing that can be done. It can prolong the pet’s life, but in the end the disease will win.

My heart to breaking, and there is nothing I can do to make it easier for him. No miracle I can pull out of thin air to save their pet’s life. I understand some people do not understand our attachment to our pets, but for lack of a better way to explain it they are our children, and at some point we will lose our oldest to a terrible disease.

He is a dog, a sweet, loving, loyal dog; everyone who meets him falls in love with him. There is just something about him that is special.  And to watch cancer ravage him is so heartbreaking there are no words.  Add to that that M feels helpless because he can’t fix this, is making it even more gut wrenching and sad.  I’m sorry but it makes me angry. Our pets should live long happy lives and simply pass peacefully one day in his sleep, not ravaged by cancer. It is simply not right and I am angry.

That is why I decided that me issues just do not seem that important as we battle to save M and C’s beloved pet. I do not need to heap more stress on M, when he is not sleeping, but working twelve or more hour days, then up nearly every night with a sick dog and still make time for both of his wives. As much, as I miss him and need him to work through my issues, I must have patience. This is an ongoing process for me, but it is something I am working on. I love my husband and an not so selfish as to not realize that right now I must be the strong on, who can handle all life throws at me for now, and let M know, that I am here and will be here in any way he needs me to be.

Last but not least, we have not heard a word from Widget in over a month. I am betting we will hear from here in about two weeks when it is time for school to start. However,  that is a door we have decided to close and to no longer be used. I wish her the best and hope she somehow escapes her family’s legacy but I do not hold out much hope.

That is all for now, but in my mind it is enough.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

An Unpopular Opinion-but it is my opinion

I fully understand my opinions on some topics are likely to be criticized and not agreed with, however, we all are entitled to our opinions and these are mine.

America was once considered a melting pot. A place for immigrants to come and start a new life and chase the American dream of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. In doing so the immigrants often struggled to learn the American ways, the language, and a way in which to merge their traditions and beliefs with that of Americas. They worked hard, studied long hours and eventually most of them became naturalized Americans. That seems to have changed, or at least the immigrants willingness to learn American ways including the language seems to have changed.

I find it upsetting that in a country I was born and raised in there are places of business I can not do business with because of a language barrier and the unwillingness of the people operating the business to learn the English language in order to do business with those of us born and raised here. I do not want to press 1 for English. This irritates me. The English language as been the primary language of the United States for hundreds of years, but in some areas it is a second language and not the primary language. If like me you only speak English, you are in a severe disadvantage and unable to complete business transactions. I have even witnesses people’s shock, dismay and even anger that I cannot speak a language out than English in the United States.

I also find it infuriating that laws are being passed to protect those immigrants who choose to come here illegally and do nothing in an effort to become legal residents of the United States. Do not get me wrong, for the millions who come to this country every year legally, and strive to learn the American ways etc, I have no issue with. It is those who cross borders and enter the United States, work illegally, often stealing social security numbers of deceased Americans to work, or turn to our welfare system for support, and then get upset and claim to be victims when laws are enacted to ensure the people in this county are here lawfully and that consequences exist for those who are here illegally.

If you are in the United States or any country for that matter illegally, you are committing a crime, you know you are committing a crime and most are doing nothing to change their legal status. These people are not victims, they are criminals. Just as if I am going 90 mph in a 30 zone to get to work on time, I have no right to be mad or upset when I am written a speeding ticket, even if my reasons for speeding was to ensure I made it to work on time to be able to continue to support my family. If I rob a bank in order to seek a better life for myself and my family I am committing a crime and there are consequences for doing so. In my view, if you enter the United States illegally, work illegally and continue to do so, then be prepared for consequences for the criminal activity you are engaging in and stop claiming to be victims.

I am further upset that many here illegally make no effort to acclimate to the United States, and make no effort to learn the language, Instead it is expected that we all learn their language. If my great great grandparents who came here from Ireland had refused to learn the English language there is a good change they would not have succeeded in the America. They learned English and the American ways but they held on to their traditions and heritage at the same time. Many customs were brought with them and are still upheld in our family today. They did not give up their Church, or any ideal sacred to their hearts, but they worked damn hard to "become Americans" and I have been told my great great grandfather wept when he took the oath to become an American citizen. It was an honor to him and a reward to hard work. Many immigrants today do not view becoming an American as an honor, but simply come here illegally for financial gain only.

After all a person can illegally enter the United States, seek welfare benefits, has their children educated many times at no cost, and even free, can use Emergency rooms as their primary medical to avoid having to be insured, and live off the taxpayers of Americans, and their names on welfare scrolls cannot be used to track illegal immigrants.

Then we have the "anchor baby" problem Couples will come to the United States illegally and the woman will have a child. The man of the family may be working albeit illegally, to support his family, and they are not using welfare to do so. For whatever reason the man and woman are not taking steps to become legal residents and one day the family is caught, The mother is permitted to stay in the U.S. because the baby is an American citizen, but the father is deported. The woman and child are then forced onto welfare because the main breadwinner is no longer able to provide. Am I the only one who sees this is as broken logic? If you are going to let mom stay, then let dad stay if they are working and not living off of welfare. Assist the entire family in acclimating to America.

Many people do not agree with Arizona laws. And some states are even creating what is called "Anti-Arizona" laws which authorize their state law enforcement agencies to not have to cooperate with ICE and detain illegal immigrants unless the person is arrested for a serious crime. I understand that cooperating with ICE can be expenses to local law enforcement, and creates more work etc, however passing laws which protects people who are breaking the law from the consequences of their illegal activity makes no sense to me. Why not then pass laws for the drug dealer because after all he is only selling drugs to support his family, or how about the gang members who initially joined the gang to belong to something, and to have a family, not to mention most illegal activity committed by known gang members is against rival gang members and is known to be a risk factor for people who join gangs. I can go on an on with laws that should be created to protect criminals.

I know some are going to say the illegal immigrant problem is not really a crime because it is a victimless crime. I beg to differ, I mean really folks the laws in Utah which at one time could have been used to charge the Brown family with a crime was also for a victimless crime, yet many people supported the anti-polygamy laws. Yet these same people do not support illegal immigrant laws because it is a victimless crime. Again I’m sorry it is not victimless.

The taxpayers who shoulder the extra expense and drain on the welfare system, the cost that is passed on to us for illegal immigrants unpaid medical bills, and the millions of dollars that goes to educating illegal immigrant’s children. This all is a drain on the working Americans, like it or not. I have even been told that illegal immigrants are not harming the fiber of America because they will do the jobs here the American’s wont do. Again I disagree.

Granted most American’s do not want to manually harvest crops, or work in landscaping (JUST EXAMPLES FOLKS), but in today’s economy many would do so and do so for minimum wage because minimum wage is better than no wage. Yet, enter the illegal immigrant who will work for far less, and therefore it effects the ability of out of work American’s to become gainfully employed and therefore it harms America as a whole.

Ok all, rant is over, seriously I DON"T want to press 1 for ENGLISH, I want those coming to our country to view it as an honor just as my great great grandparents did. I want saying I am an American to stand for something again. I don’t want to have to qualify what type of American I am (i.e. Mexican-American, Japanese American etc), I want to once again be ONE NATION under God, where we are all just Americans!


Friday, July 6, 2012

Ahh Friday

So today , the Fourth is over, a new job looms well and we've fired the Cancer doctor for our child and found another so some of the stress is gone. There is still plenty to deal with.. the lack of any reasonable timeshare has got me trying to figure out how to fix it still is the biggest issue. It is tilted much more one way and I know it is not fair but I'll figure it out. once I get back to work it will help balance out some fund sissues (like the several thousand dollars in vet bills) and I'll be able to make more time but for now all i can do is apologize andhope it is enough.
On to other things.. bc.. please feel free to write/call us.. even if to vent.. we are both pretty good listeners (L is better) and do not mind sharing some of our time if it will help. I look at it as mitzvoh and any mitzvoh is good mitzvoh :)

Sunday, July 1, 2012

When something breaks

Have you ever had a close friend who is having problems with their significant other, and you are the one they come to, your listen, you at times offer your opinion, you try and be rational at times and see it from the other’s point of view and explain that to your friend, and then there are the times you become equally angry with your friends spouse, for the what has the friend upset. Now imagine this is not a friend but your husband.

It is naturally to share things with our husband or wives; it is part of being married. This is no different when it is a polygamist marriage. Each marriage is its own entity and separate from the other. The being said each marriage has its own ups and down, and problems.  And it is not unusual for the husband in a polygamist family to discuss it with his other wife for a different perspective, or a shoulder, or just to vent. I am actually happy that M is comfortable enough in our marriage to discuss opening with me all areas of his life, including some things between him and C.
I should point out here that while he does discuss things with me, he does NOT share every aspect of his relationship with C to me or visa versa. We each have our own private areas.

Currently C and M have a lot of stress in her relationship. Their beloved 14 year old dog is battling cancer, and his treatment is extremely expensive. And some other things that would add stress to any relationship, and at times it boil over and there are days in which M is just not very happy.
I try to be understanding, and keep from taking sides etc, but I am not always able to, and at times find myself getting flat pissed off a C, but I then have to realize that it is not my place to be angry.  Then I have that moment’s thought of M is my husband too and how dare anyone including his other wife do this or that. I really try not to do that but I at times cannot help myself.

I don’t like it when M is upset,  just as he doesn’t like it when I am unhappy.  I could go on and on, but I have finally I think figured it out. We are a polygamist family and as such M has relationships with me and C and when one of those relationships is having problems it trickles to both relationships so we are all affected by it. But I would rather be affected then for M to censor what he feels he can discuss with me for fear of it upsetting me. It is nothing we will not weather together just as we always have. And I will continue to be here for him in all ways, the good and the bad. 
I will admit I have my opinion on it all, but in the end it is their marriage, so I am kind of a spectator and can only wait and see what occurs. All I can do is love him through it, because at the end of the day that is what is important to me, and that is our love for each other and I love him dearly, and want for him to be happy.

Sometimes there are interesting trees in the forrest?

So it's been a while since I have actually posted but thought today would be a good day to update...and it is a dooxie :)
Things have been tough out west recently. There has been the unsucessful hunt for work thats getting ready to go into its 3rd month and with 2 households you can imagine how fun that is with no unemployment. Jopb turndows have included: "too corporate" when i came to an interview in a tie etc and they were all wearing shorts and sandals.."late" when I stopped to render first aid for a car accident on the expressway (for a non profit medical group), "not techinal enough" when I could not answer a question on home virus removal because I do not get them on my pc and more
I'm having to sue my former employer as my 401k money seems to only exist on my checkstubs. there is no money in my 401k and no record of them ever putting it in there (awesome) which is just less to have to pay bills or whatever.
Obviously no work means no insurance so L's hand needs carpal tunnel surgery and unless i start pulling rabbits out of hats is not going to get done
and to top it off my soon to be 14 year old child (dog) has t cell lymphoma..yup cancer in a dog.. which leads me to wonder whos karma did he step on to have this happen/
Its been a fun path with the child... 3 rounds of chemo so far and experimenting with food and meds.. right now he is getting a mix of gnocchi, soybeans, dries apples.. chicken and tofu mixed in safflower oil which is good for him and keeps his levels good.. the bad part? Cancer is 100% fatal in dogs.. so while he may get a year or two more its going to kill him.. which, for someone who fixes things is the worst failure...something you cannot fix...

Sunday, June 24, 2012

The story of mom

Most of my life my mother and I had a horrible relationship.  I’ve wondered for years why her and my father adopted me in the first place. I know my father’s motives were honorable. My mother’s however, I am sure was to obtain someone to control and for her own “social” acceptance.

In fact, I moved to the west coast to put as much distance between her and I as possible. When I was three, my mother’s mental health problems were diagnosed. She is a manic depressant, paranoid schizophrenic. As such for as long as I can remember she would take her medication for a few months, think she was cured and stop taking them and have a break with reality that often included her wanting to kill me and making attempts to do so.

What was not diagnosed was the fact that she is also a narcissist and I was her emotional food. She also was always the victim, able to distort reality to fit her need to be the victim, because nothing has been or is ever her fault. Because of this distortion I detested my father until I was in my 30’s because of the “truth” she fed me.

According to her my father came home from work one day, walked past the playpen I was in, walked to their bedroom, packed his suitcase, walked back down the stairs, breaking he favorite lamp in the process, walked past me once more and left. I was angry for him leaving me with her, and for the hell my childhood became. At 30 I drove 16 hours to finally ask him, and it was then I got the full story. Yes he broke her favorite lamp, yes he packed a bag and walked out and did not take me. However, I have to admit if I came home and found my spouse in bed with someone else I would take that as my marriage being over as well. He did not take me because in the sixties single men were never awarded custody of children especially girls. This is very true sadly, regardless of the best parent was, mothers always won.

She later married a second time when I was about ten to a nice man, but again could not remain faithful, and she finally left him. To this day, she only married him because I liked him. Not sure where that was born, but again such is her reality.

I was also expected to be the perfect child to make sure others perceived her as a good mother, provider, etc. Outside of witnesses everything wrong in her life was my doing, so as soon as possible. I enjoyed my life on the west coast and managed to speak to her only about once a week, and had her visit every other year. Which I dreaded.

Then approximately five years ago she broke her hip and my aunt wanted me to come home to help her recover. She at the time was only 61, but do to years of drinking and smoking 5 packs of cigarettes a day and never doing a damn thing any medical professional told her to do. So when he hip was replaced she was told she had the bones of an 80 year old woman.  As such, it took her months to recover and I was stuck in Indiana during it all. Once she was out of rehab and back home, I could finally come home and again put distance between her and I.

However, less than two weeks later I was once more driving back to Indiana. Now per my aunt she wasn’t acting right, and she wasn’t sure if her mental problems were acting up or if it was something else. At this point I was surprised no one there considered taking her to the doctor, but they did not so three days driving back and I took her to the emergency room.

It was then determined her blood pressure was dangerously high, as in at one point 238/194, and it went high times, and she was having a series of mini strokes. The doctors said due to the mini strokes her mind was affected, she had to stop smoking etc. she also could no longer live on her own, and he believed she had only a matter of months to live.  The affects to her mind was in the area of memory, and as such she was diagnosed with early dementia as well.

Initially, I believed the dementia might actually make her a nicer person, and ease the belief she has that the world owes her something. I was wrong, in fact for the next four plus years that area actually got worse. She demands things of people and truly believes we all owe it to her, regardless of what strain it puts on us emotionally, mentally and financially.

Her nasty mood and verbal abuse of people was so bad, that many times M would make was walk out of the room and away from her in order to stop her verbal assault. You see before I met M, I was guilted into moving her out here, since she had only a matter of months to live. I knew better than to agree to it when I did, but I did and for over five years, I have spent most of it wondering what the doctor meant when he said a few months cause she keeps going and going.

The past few months have not been so bad, she was in the hospital in January and almost died. The smoking has also contributed to her having COPD and heart issues, and despite every doctor telling her what changed she had to make she never did. In fact, the first month after she moved her, she told the home health nurse in front of me, she would do whatever the hell she wanted and if I continued to refuse to let her smoke in my home she would have her name removed from my birth certificate because I was just an adopted kid, not her real child.

That was the breaking point for me. Despite the terrible relationship between us I never once have said she was not my mother because I was adopted. When she said it something clicked in me and emotionally it shut off where she is concerned. I began making sure she was cared for because it was my obligation, not out of some strong mother daughter bond. Sad but true.

Once she nearly died, she has become nicer, and is not smoking. Though I am sure if someone would buy her some, she would. Again out of obligation M and I make sure she has what she needs, and visit her once a week or so. My aunt (also a naraccist) is under the impression she is in “control” because she pays the group home extras and has a POA etc. I let her believe what she wants, because it is easier to let her have her sense of grandeur than the fight with her. The POA was signed after the diagnoses of mother’s dementia and therefore it not legally binding, she also lives in Nevada, and we are on the west coast, as such the doctors call me for decisions etc.

Now, the doctors believe she may have bone cancer on top of it all. The hip replacement needs replaced again but the doctor believes her bones are so deteriorated that it would not hold either. The heart and lung problems continue to be an issue, etc. We will know about the cancer possibility on July 11th.

If in fact she has bone cancer she has stated she doesn’t want chemo etc, but wants to keep the pain management aspect in place. As sad as it sounds she has no quality of life, not if she has cancer it is only going to get worse, so I don’t argue against not having it treated and surprisingly my aunt agrees.

However, unlike my aunt I know what cancer does, at some point her care will require more than the group home can provide, and she is terrified of nursing homes. Therefore at the end she will likely end up here with M and myself, and we will obtain hospice care and home health care for when we are at work. This is where I am sure my aunt will have a fit, but despite my lack of closeness to mother, I can’t fathom sticking her in place that scares her to the point of not being able to function. So, I will hold up my obligation and make sure she is cared for, but it tires me emotionally and mentally.

So BC Mum there’s the reader’s digest condensed version of my mother.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Rest in peace my dear friend Steven (9/1961-6/2012)

This morning we got the sad news that a dear friend has lost his 8 month battle against pancreatic cancer. We have know for the last few days it was only a matter of time and the Cancer Institute of America in Tulsa were keeping him pain free, and at peace until the end came. It came at 9:02 am. (Tulsa time) with his dear Jenny by his side as she had been from the start.

I should explain, Jenny was not his wife, nor his romantic love interest, she was not related by blood by they were tied by a friendship most of us will never have the joy of experiencing. He cared for Jenny, provided for, and protected Jenny through anything. He was her rock, and in the end she was his.

Jenny is a kind and sweet soul, but naive in many areas, and it was Steven who always made she was alright. If she wanted something, he found a way to get it, if she needed something, he provide it. If she had a dream he made sure she could chase it.

Several years ago, she decided she wanted to be a concert photographer, and decided the only way to do that would be to move to Nashville. Steven packed up, transferred his job, took out a loan and together they moved from California to Nashville, and for the last several years he provided while she chased her dream.

Over the years, I came to view Jenny and Steven as a unit. You never got one without the other. And to me they were more than just friends, but also a part of our family. Due to distance and my foolish belief they would always be there, I did not stay I touch as often as I should have, did not tell Steven how much I cared, or how amazing he was as a human being, not only to Jenny but the world.

He had the rare ability to always make me laugh, and to offer a shoulder and a place to escape 5 years ago when I had to travel back home due to my mother’s health, and was there for 3 months. Each time it got to much for me, I jumped in my care and made the 4 hour drive to Nashville and would hole up with them until I felt rejuvenated and could go back to Indiana and face the mother issue.

He was a big strong teddy bear with a heart of gold. And now that heart has stopped beating. I hope he knows how much I cared and how deeply he will be missed. The world became a little darker today, when the news of his passing came.

As mourn Steven, I cry not only for the loss of his life, but for "his Jenny". I know she will make it through this, but I do worry about her, and she is hundreds of miles away. We have offered her a place if it is needed, or if she just needs somewhere for a few days to mourn and heal.

She has always referred to Steven as her angel, and I agree with her, he has been, thus, she has not lost her angel, he is now watching out for her from above, and he will live forever in our hearts.

Rest easy, my dear friend, you were taken much too soon from this world, but you are now in a better place without pain, and cancer free, with the angel wings we always knew you deserved.

This is how I choose to remember Steven,

and this is what cancer did to him in just 8 months

Saturday, June 16, 2012

For BC's Mum

      We are so sad to hear all that you are going through at the moment. If there is anything at all we can do please do not hestiate to ask. We do keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

         I have no great words to make things better for you, and can only imagine what you are going through with the man you love and him losing his memory little by little. Or the longing to go back to the way it was prior to a health issue take control. However, both M and I are pretty good listeners, and are here if for no other reason than to offer a shoulder and a person to vent to.

 I am one who often finds the best words are words others decide to put to music and share to the world. As I read your post I did think back to a time when I was sure nothing was ever going to be right in my life and that I was at my breaking point and could take no more. A friend of mine gave me a CD and told me to listen to the last song. I do so, and that song has stuck with me as what I listen to when I am close to breaking again. Not sure why but somehow it seems to help and remind me that I will not break and I will make it through.  So, I am going to share it with you.

One day you will by Lady Antebellum

You feel like you’re falling backwards
Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can’t see it now

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love, you’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You’re just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you’re down to your last breath
And you don’t know it yet

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love, you’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will

Find the strength to rise above
You will Find just what you’re made of, you’re made of

One day you will Oh one day you will

The Widget Update

      I do believe BC’s mum is correct, at times you can offer a hand and a better path, but the past is so ingrained into some that they may want something more, but be unable to break the bonds of the past. That is where we are with Widget.
            She says she wants more, but her actions do not always show that willingness to put forth the effort to do so. Yes, she did well in school this semester and I do believe she wants to graduate. However, I do not think she is as willing to continue to put in the blood, sweat and tears to accomplish the goal. Nor do I believe she truly sees the big picture.
            For example, she stated a few months ago she needed more space between her and her biological family, so M and I got a house further away, yet close enough if she wanted to see them she could do so. The only thing this initially accomplished was costing more in gas because she still went there daily and needed a ride home, and on the weekends from the time school as out on Friday until Sunday night we did not hear from her.
            Now she provided a variety of reasons for this. One being that school was out at 2:11 and I was at work until 5, and it wasn’t safe for her to be home alone. This excuse did not hold water due to us living in an extremely low crime area. In fact in the past 24 months there has been only two calls for police in our addition and both of those were for domestics at the same address, and those residents have since moved. We did have a house fire in our housing addition a couple weeks ago, but it was not arson but a kitchen fire that got out of control. He biological family however, lives in a higher crime rate, in fact that is why I agreed so easily to move. The area has gone primarily section 8.
            Please do not get me wrong I have nothing against people who need the assistance of section 8, and truly believe some do need the assistance. The sad truth is that in an area that is primarily section 8 you get those who need it, and those who simply want the hand out so they can do as they please with activities such as parties, stealing, fighting etc. And thus, there is a group of people more apt to ignore the law and do as they please and who do not work for things they want.
            With that said this is her biological family. Let me explain, her mother now works a grand total of two nights a week, is not looking for more, and is collecting welfare benefits for herself and Widget despite M and I supporting Widget. Her mother now has a boyfriend and they often argue to the point that it gets physical. It is not the boyfriend lashing out violently it is the mother. They are primarily residing with Widget’s grandmother who is on section 8, food stamps and disability. She is in her 70s and is unable to work. However, it is apparent that government assistance has been a way of life for this entire family for years. Next is Widget’s 19 year old brother who lives with grandma. He never leaves the house, has not graduated high school and prefers to spend his entire waking moments playing video games, and is working on a pretty good alcohol addiction. If anyone asks the family what he plans to do with his life, they will make excuses.  Then there is a niece living there who does work, but is equally uninspired to do more than work at a minimum wage job. All of these people live in a small three bedroom apartment of which Widget is tossed into the mix since she prefers to be there, where many of the people do not have a bed to sleep in and will flop on the couch of wherever they fall.
            They all stay up all night and sleep all day, on or around the first of the month they load up and go to the casino and will stay sixteen or seventeen hours gambling. None of them have a concept of working for things, and truly believe that they are entitled to be supported by tax payer funded welfare benefits. Initially this all confused me, but then it dawned on me that Widget sees two different worlds. Let me explain.
            M and I both work hard in our perspective jobs, our friends all work and usually in the evening we are tired when we get home, still have to prepare dinner, do required housekeeping etc, and then fall into be just to do it all again the next day. One the weekends we often stay home just to recuperate our energy supplies so we are ready for the upcoming Monday. If we want something extra we work harder, or cut back where we can, save and the buy whatever it may be. We live on a budget, and as such purchase groceries that fit into the budget. (Granted we do eat pretty darn well *laughs*)
            Then we have Widget’s family, who do not work, who gets money from the state or wherever they can, can sleep all day, party all night and have pretty much not self-control because they do not have to. They can go out all night at the casinos, or if you are her brother you can sit home ALL the time, play video games all night and mom and grandma will supply beer and cigarettes.  In other words, they get the fun without the responsibility.
            Now at 17 you are presented with both worlds. And I have to admit at 17 the life with no self-control, no rules and not responsibilities would have looked pretty damned appealing to me as well. So she has the work hard for what you want or party and let the government foot the bill If you were an average teenager what would you pick?
            Oh and in our home we have rules. State law says under 18 has a curfew of 10 p.m. during the week and midnight on Friday and Saturday. Because we believed her to be responsible those are the curfew times we instituted. We did let it slide on special occasions such as prom night, but for the most part those were the limits. We also expected to know where she was going and with who, no parties without adult supervision etc.
            However, with mom it is acceptable to stay out until 5 in the morning because as her family stated “she was with her cousin who would not let anything happen to her” Said cousin is not yet 18 either and just graduated high school this year. Oh and during at least one of these outings they landed at a party with other underage teens with drugs and alcohol. Yet to her family this is acceptable because Widget and the cousin did not drink or use any drugs. I wanted to scream am I the only one to see an issue here.
            Just prior to school being out for the summer, really the only time we heard from Widget was if she wanted a ride somewhere or for us to buy her something. (Hummm no responsibility and still get what she wants purchased for her). Thus, M and I decided to stop being her taxi and stop being her banker to see what happened. Frankly, right around prom I started feeling very used by her and her family. We also took bets on what would happen when school was out for the summer. Seems we were both right, school has been out since a week ago last Thursday and she has not been home. I did hear from her for the first time last night with excuses of why she has not checked in. Sadly, we agreed that if she failed to return home for two weeks we would assume she prefers the other life and wants ours only to pay the bills and as such let her mother know she can just stay with them.
            I rather feel like a failure for trying to help her and offer her something better but her preferring the other. I simply have grown tired of banging my head against a wall. Yet I am saddened. She is a smart, beautiful girl who has so much potential. Her counselor at school even stated she could get her a full ride scholarship because everything she has overcome to succeed. The problem is she hasn’t overcome anything and has been sucked back in. I initially was willing to fight for her, and we tried, but when she herself has chosen the alternative, it is fighting a losing battle.
            Next, Thursday will be two weeks, and M will go and have a discussion with her and her family. I am unsure if I will go along because it does break my heart, and I have a nasty temper which would probably take over and I would explain to the family exactly what their lack of desire to make something of their lives, their willingness to lie and even fracter a law or two to get what they want and their life of no responsibility is exactly how she is going to end up and instead of being a productive member of society she will likely end up a leech on the welfare system not because she needs the help but because she sees no reason to aspire to more. Again there are those who truly need the help of welfare and do aspire to more, but as in a terrible situation of which they need help and there are those who abuse the system to make it harder for those who truly need it. Sadly her family is of the latter group.
            So there is the widget update, I wish it was better news, and I truly hope I am wrong in which path I believe Widget will choose and somehow she will overcome her family ties to make something of her life, but by something she has said recently and her actions, I am not so sure. I wish we could have done more.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Update and random ramblings

I know I have not been around for the past few months. It is easy to say life has been busy, and that is part of it. The other part is that I rather crawled inside myself and was dealing with some personal stuff I ignored for a very long time. Don’t panic, it has nothing to do with my marriage to M, we are fine. Though I will admit during my checked out period I tend to push everyone away and I am sure I tried to with M as well. However, as always he sees through me, and gives me the space to sort out my demons, but always lets me know the pushing away isn’t working and he is not going anywhere.

 To make a long story short, for most of my life the pushing people away always worked in the past, so I was used to people walking away. M doesn’t give in that easy. I swear that man has so much more patience than I do. With that said I want to apologize to everyone for just kind of disappearing. Despite my work schedule being hectic and life being busy I am going to make a conscience effort to post more often, now that I am coming out of my funk. Only because some people read into things, again I must say that our marriage is fine!

As we have explained in the past, we are polygamists but far from the traditional polygamist family. C and I have little to no interaction and M has two homes, two families etc. I will admit and I know the two homes is a good thing, I am territorial in regard to my home. I believe most women want a home that is their own, to make their own etc.  

M thinks I am insane, but I have considered the possibility of exploring the idea of a third wife. There is no one picked out or considered etc, it is just something I have mulling around in my mind. The truth is I want a relationship with a sister wife, that close family connection. That is not something C wants. In saying that please do not think I am going out to seek a third wife for M. In fact, in our lifestyle I do not think you can “seek” out a wife, it is something that happens, usually when a family is not looking for it.

Not to mention there are other things to consider. All three of us are in agreement that we do not want to have children. Widget it enough (I will have to write a Widget update at a later date). Thus, if another woman were to enter the family, I think it is important to know if she wants children etc. Already having children is one thing, and I believe we would ideally want children to be older. After all M and I are grandparents, somehow starting over is not something we really want to explore. Not to mention due to C being unable to have children, and the fact that she had wanted them, I think it would be cruel to her to have another wife have M’s child, even if unplanned.

Then there is the timing issue. M says repeatedly, two is enough. And to be honest at times I think he does feel pulled in two directions, and seldom actually makes time for just himself. He has two homes, two wives, to sets of bills, etc. Do I really want to impose a third home, a third set of bills, and a third demand on his time. 

I realize it sounds like I am stating all the reasons why it’s a bad idea, but at the same time I see the positive. It is a connection between all members of the family. Another person to share life with, the good the bad and the ugly.

Each polygamist family is unique and has its own dynamics. So even if there are friends who are polygamists, they do not necessarily always understand because it is not a part of their dynamic. Thus, having another person who is family would be great. I assume even non polygamists families each have their own dynamics, and sometimes friends may not really understand something.

Again it is just something that is mulling around in my mind. So please don’t get the idea that one day a blog post will appear announcing a third wife.  It is not something we are actively seeking out. As there are other issues we are handling at the moment. For example, Widget and summer school and the negative pull her biological family is having on her, one of my kitties due to have kittens at any moment. My job has gone from busy to insane with a lot of different changes. I am considering a new car, but not really sold on what kind I want, how much I can afford to spend, etc.

 And C and M’s dog having been diagnosed with cancer and now receiving chemo, and the heartbreak of one of our pets being ill. My heart goes out to C, and I wish I could do more as I do understand that to us our pets are family and we will do whatever is needed to take care of them. As such, M is spending a little extra time with C and with their pet, as they explore every possible treatment.  

So, there is the update on our family, and again I will be make a better effort of keeping in touch better and more often. At least once a week if not more often, and I will kick M in the butt so he makes an appearance as well *laughs*.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

For all our Widget Fans. You will want to see this

I was going to write about today’s milestone, but decided to share it in pictures instead. Since many of you have shared with us our journey with Widget, we feel pictures in this case speak louder than anything I could write. So, here we go.
Step 1-The dress

 Step 2-Add shoes

Step 3-Her date arrives in a limo

Step 4-And he gave he a beautiful corsage
Step 5- He even has the matching boutonniere
 Step 6-Have her date's brother and his date  step out of the limo for the group shot

Step 7- The gorgeous couples (Widget is on the right)

Step 8- They are off for Prom Night 2012.

For the record, I adore her date. He dotes on her, tells her regularly she is beautiful The look on his face when he saw her was priceless, he was speechless. 
 I am sure M is not thrilled, but Widget does not have a curfew this night, it is her rite of passage, it a night she fought for that just a year ago she never believed would occur.  Hopefully it is a night she will remember forever. I am sure M’s wallet will remember it for a long long time (laughs).
Despite the lack of a curfew her date made a point of letting us know he would not keep her out all night and would treat her as she should be. At this point I cried as the limo carried her away to the Prom.

Monday, April 23, 2012

The Power of Perception

Not too long ago a professional associate saw M out with C. Since I had only interacted with this person in a professional capacity and chatted with him once at a work function, he was unaware we were polygamists. His running into M with another woman obviously bothered him because he sought me out to “delicately inform me” that my husband was out with another woman.

 Again because it was a professional relationship only I did my best to ease his concern without laying out our entire story. This incident got me to thinking; all of us make decisions based upon perceptions of others, even if that perception is formed in a split second for whatever reason.

 For example, if a person walks into a law office and the attorney is dressed in cut off shorts, a tank top and flip flops, more often than not the client’s instant perception is that the attorney is not the best in his field. Whereas, if he is in a suit and tie the first impression is usually more favorable, and the attorney is not battling an uphill fight to prove his competence. I could go on but I think you get the idea.

Now we turn to the Martin/Zimmerman case. I have been following this in the news not so much because I believe it is an issue of race, but to follow the legalities of it all. I am not going to debate Zimmerman’s guilt or innocence, but I will say I do not believe that race ever factored into the events of that tragic night. And there are only two people who know the actual events of that few minutes and sadly one of them cannot tell his side. I do believe two people’s instant perception of one another is what led to the killing.

I must also say, anytime a youth is killed it is tragic. It is a loss for his or her family and society. We will never know what impact he would have made on our world, because his life was cut short because of the events of that night and a chance meeting.

 Let me explain why I do not believe it is a case of race but do believe it is a case of reacting in a bad way to the perception of what was witnessed.

Let’s start with Zimmerman. He had been a neighborhood watch volunteer for a few years in the area. Thus, he was aware of the children, the adults and the teens in the area. He saw a young adult he was not accustomed to seeing in the area, wearing a hooded sweatshirt, he was aware of a rash of break-ins occurring in the area so his immediate perception was that the person he saw was not a normal one of the area and therefore his suspicion was a result of that perception. His concern was enough he called 911 to report what he saw. (I will not go into if I believe he continued to follow the person or what occurred next because again I was not there so I cannot say). I do not think the fact that Martin was African American mattered it was a young person Zimmerman had not previously seen in the area.

 Now let’s take Martin, he was innocently walking to his father’s girlfriend’s house after going to the store. He had on a hoodie to protect against the rain and he was on the phone with a female friend. He told the friend he was being followed. The girl told him to run he chose not to run. This unfortunately is a lot of young people’s reasoning of in some way being invincible and therefore he did not run ( I AM NOT BLAMING THE VICTIM HERE). Now here is a young man who is doing nothing wrong suddenly being followed by an adult, he looks and there is nothing that he can see that shows Zimmerman is a part of the neighborhood watch, such as a vest or brightly colored shirt. There is nothing that says he is law enforcement or security, so Treyvon only sees a person following him and he forms an instant perception that danger is a real possibility.

 Now I do not know of Zimmer had stopped following Martin, and Martin approached him or if Zimmerman caught up to him. What I do now is that two people reacted to what they perceived as a threat in a split second. Sadly one young man is dead, so I believe both possibly made poor choices on how to react to what they perceived. Thus, I do not believe race played a part in what occurred, so I do not believe the race of either person would have changed the outcome.

 My heart goes out to the Martin family, as a parent I cannot fathom the heartbreak of losing a child, so I do understand their anger. Others who have jumped on the bandwagon I however, believe have blown this tragic event into something way bigger than it is to further their own agenda.  While I believe race relations are important, using the tragic death of a young man to further your position in that fight is not something I agree with.

 There are numerous young people killed every day, some of those are African American. A lot of their deaths are senseless, yet we will never hear their stories, we do not hear the one’s screaming racism is what led to Martin’s death offering any solutions on how to stop the deaths of our young. They are quick to point fingers but not quick to offer solutions.

For example, Stanly Tookie Williams did some terrible things in his life, and he paid the price for the hard life when the death penalty was carried out. However, after years of reflection he determined what led him down the path he followed and how it was not the right path. From his prison cell he preached to children and young adults the importance of not joining a gang, and why he believed education was more important. He offered solutions to the youth, to the communities and he did so in an effort to save our young. Yet when many people first hear about one of the founders of one of the largest and most dangerous street gangs in the U.S. the perception of him is negative. Again that perception thing plays an important factor in this.

I could go on but you get the idea. Perception is a powerful tool we as humans rely on each day to form immediate feelings and beliefs. It is not for most of us about race, but what we visually see and how it fits into what we already know (Psychology 101).