I have no great words to make things better for you, and can only imagine what you are going through with the man you love and him losing his memory little by little. Or the longing to go back to the way it was prior to a health issue take control. However, both M and I are pretty good listeners, and are here if for no other reason than to offer a shoulder and a person to vent to.
I am one who often finds the best words are words others decide to put to music and share to the world. As I read your post I did think back to a time when I was sure nothing was ever going to be right in my life and that I was at my breaking point and could take no more. A friend of mine gave me a CD and told me to listen to the last song. I do so, and that song has stuck with me as what I listen to when I am close to breaking again. Not sure why but somehow it seems to help and remind me that I will not break and I will make it through. So, I am going to share it with you.
One day you will by Lady Antebellum
You feel like you’re falling backwards
Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can’t see it now
Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can’t see it now
But down the
road the sun is shining
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love, you’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love, you’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will
You wake up
every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You’re just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you’re down to your last breath
And you don’t know it yet
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You’re just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you’re down to your last breath
And you don’t know it yet
But down the
road the sun is shining
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love, you’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love, you’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will
Find the
strength to rise above
You will Find just what you’re made of, you’re made of
You will Find just what you’re made of, you’re made of
One day you
will Oh one day you will
Thank you so, so much. Your response is just right.
ReplyDeleteI have had to tell people, even today, that I just don't want to talk any more for awhile. Why? a) they tell me I can get help from various sources but they don't know the circumstances and don't live in the same state and know the rules of insurance and benefits here. In my circumstances, I get zip. b) they instead tell me how great their lives are going. Like the friend to day who doesn't anticipate retiring until she is well over 70 because she feels so great and her husband does all kinds of stuff, tho he is 14 years younger than her, so of course he does.
And I feel like a schmuck because they mean well, and I'm happy they have all their heart's desire, but I am lucky to make it through the day. It just has me feeling worse at this point. And I'll never recover what this has cost me so far--all my savings over the years for extras for my mom who lived till 95 and for Ron who has been going through this forever now. And I have been able to do nothing these last few good years of my life, and still have my own unknown shit to go through in years to come. Which is why I won't sell the house now for money. I'll need it because I won't have anybody when my own time comes, and they at least have had me, inadequate though I may be. Oh well, at least I'm a good puppy mom!
Thank you for your just right support that is not preachy, braggy, not feeling sorry, no, that was just right.
Dear Mum
ReplyDeleteI am truly so very sorry to hear about all you are going through. Before I start please forgive any typos or run on sentences etc. I am currently on massive medications due to my 2 year old terrier Shadow getting under my feet Saturday night, I fell, injured hand, landed in the ER which was an utter waste of time as all I got was it’s not broke.
Thankfully 2 doors down from my work is an orthopedic surgeon, so on break I wandered down there and asked if he did hands. Yay, he did, plus I explained I just changed employers so at the moment no insurance so I needed to know costs. Because I work in the same complex he gave me more than 5o% off, and saw me an hour later (I had to go pick up xrays). He gave me a shot of cortisone and vitamin 12 and something else in my hand (damaged the tendon in my thumb, he referred to it as similar to what is called trigger finger), and a medicine regimen for the next two weeks, in hopes it will heal and not need surgery. But enough about my clumsiness.
I mention it because while drastically different circumstances, I understand not wanting to talk. When I tell people what happened, I have had 5 people I know say and I quote “If a dog tripped me and I was hurt that dog would be history” one suggested I put the dog down. I finally popped off to one of them today, so the next time your toddler gets under your feet, is he history, because our pets are my children. But then they are also amazed at what we spend on my 14 year old with the back disorder and M and C’s dog with cancer.
From your post I get the idea you feel very alone in all that you are going through. And while I understand not wanting to talk, I am here if you need to talk, or just want a regular conversation about everyday things. Please shoot me an email and I will send you back my number. I just do not want to post it publically. I promise not to offer advice on where to get help or tell you how great our lives are, nor will I whine about those which I view as not so good. ANd trust me I can whine when it suits me LOL
I also want to offer to help anyway I can. I can drive up one or two weekends a month and help out anyway you need. Be it running errands, helping with chores, or just being there to give you a few hours off for yourself. I have not yet discussed this idea with M, but I am sure he will be supportive as we do consider you one of our friends. Once I’ve been at the new job for six months I also will get paid time off so I can come more often if needed. Just let us know what we can do to help, regardless of what it is.
Later I will post about the long battle we are still
fighting with my mother. UGH.
But right now we are just worried about you, and will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.
Please give your four legged baby’s an extra treat from us, and as soon as I can get them to let me I will post pictures of our two newest additions. I keep telling myself I am not keeping them, and once weaned they will find home, but they are awful cute kittens (laughs)
From one kitten sucker to another, you just have to get them to a no kill shelter. I heard Las Vegas is no kill. I don't know what their qualifications for adopters are. Sometimes they are very lax on adopters. If it was left up to me, hardly anybody would qualify.
ReplyDeleteIn Sacramento I made an arrangement with the humane society in Yolo County that they would take them but if they were not placed I would take them back. I gave them money also when I surrendered. I took one back, but only one out of many. I had adopters call me and tell me how delighted they were. That felt good. One was a Manx cat that had been declawed. I lived in a mobile home park and I think when people had to go to a home or heaven their lovely children just dumped the animals. I will have a place for mine to go, a home where I know they will be well cared for, and they will go with many thousands of dollars for their needs. I have one person in mind. I need a couple of others. I have a couple of people who really want them and they are good animal owners, but I don't like what they do. I mean, it's great for their dogs, but mine have been raised differently, if that makes sense. Anyway, it almost 7 am and haven't slept yet and the hospital is bound to start calling. I tell them to f off (not really) but then can't go back to sleep. Hope you have a good day, and your arm is improved. Next time tell these people you fell off a ladder on your second job as a cat burglar.