The Widget Update

      I do believe BC’s mum is correct, at times you can offer a hand and a better path, but the past is so ingrained into some that they may want something more, but be unable to break the bonds of the past. That is where we are with Widget.
            She says she wants more, but her actions do not always show that willingness to put forth the effort to do so. Yes, she did well in school this semester and I do believe she wants to graduate. However, I do not think she is as willing to continue to put in the blood, sweat and tears to accomplish the goal. Nor do I believe she truly sees the big picture.

            For example, she stated a few months ago she needed more space between her and her biological family, so M and I got a house further away, yet close enough if she wanted to see them she could do so. The only thing this initially accomplished was costing more in gas because she still went there daily and needed a ride home, and on the weekends from the time school as out on Friday until Sunday night we did not hear from her.

            Now she provided a variety of reasons for this. One being that school was out at 2:11 and I was at work until 5, and it wasn’t safe for her to be home alone. This excuse did not hold water due to us living in an extremely low crime area. In fact in the past 24 months there has been only two calls for police in our addition and both of those were for domestics at the same address, and those residents have since moved. We did have a house fire in our housing addition a couple weeks ago, but it was not arson but a kitchen fire that got out of control. He biological family however, lives in a higher crime rate, in fact that is why I agreed so easily to move. The area has gone primarily section 8.

            Please do not get me wrong I have nothing against people who need the assistance of section 8, and truly believe some do need the assistance. The sad truth is that in an area that is primarily section 8 you get those who need it, and those who simply want the hand out so they can do as they please with activities such as parties, stealing, fighting etc. And thus, there is a group of people more apt to ignore the law and do as they please and who do not work for things they want.

            With that said this is her biological family. Let me explain, her mother now works a grand total of two nights a week, is not looking for more, and is collecting welfare benefits for herself and Widget despite M and I supporting Widget. Her mother now has a boyfriend and they often argue to the point that it gets physical. It is not the boyfriend lashing out violently it is the mother. They are primarily residing with Widget’s grandmother who is on section 8, food stamps and disability. She is in her 70s and is unable to work. However, it is apparent that government assistance has been a way of life for this entire family for years. Next is Widget’s 19 year old brother who lives with grandma. He never leaves the house, has not graduated high school and prefers to spend his entire waking moments playing video games, and is working on a pretty good alcohol addiction. If anyone asks the family what he plans to do with his life, they will make excuses.  Then there is a niece living there who does work, but is equally uninspired to do more than work at a minimum wage job. All of these people live in a small three bedroom apartment of which Widget is tossed into the mix since she prefers to be there, where many of the people do not have a bed to sleep in and will flop on the couch of wherever they fall.

            They all stay up all night and sleep all day, on or around the first of the month they load up and go to the casino and will stay sixteen or seventeen hours gambling. None of them have a concept of working for things, and truly believe that they are entitled to be supported by tax payer funded welfare benefits. Initially this all confused me, but then it dawned on me that Widget sees two different worlds. Let me explain.

            M and I both work hard in our perspective jobs, our friends all work and usually in the evening we are tired when we get home, still have to prepare dinner, do required housekeeping etc, and then fall into be just to do it all again the next day. One the weekends we often stay home just to recuperate our energy supplies so we are ready for the upcoming Monday. If we want something extra we work harder, or cut back where we can, save and the buy whatever it may be. We live on a budget, and as such purchase groceries that fit into the budget. (Granted we do eat pretty darn well *laughs*)

            Then we have Widget’s family, who do not work, who gets money from the state or wherever they can, can sleep all day, party all night and have pretty much not self-control because they do not have to. They can go out all night at the casinos, or if you are her brother you can sit home ALL the time, play video games all night and mom and grandma will supply beer and cigarettes.  In other words, they get the fun without the responsibility.

            Now at 17 you are presented with both worlds. And I have to admit at 17 the life with no self-control, no rules and not responsibilities would have looked pretty damned appealing to me as well. So she has the work hard for what you want or party and let the government foot the bill If you were an average teenager what would you pick?

            Oh and in our home we have rules. State law says under 18 has a curfew of 10 p.m. during the week and midnight on Friday and Saturday. Because we believed her to be responsible those are the curfew times we instituted. We did let it slide on special occasions such as prom night, but for the most part those were the limits. We also expected to know where she was going and with who, no parties without adult supervision etc.

            However, with mom it is acceptable to stay out until 5 in the morning because as her family stated “she was with her cousin who would not let anything happen to her” Said cousin is not yet 18 either and just graduated high school this year. Oh and during at least one of these outings they landed at a party with other underage teens with drugs and alcohol. Yet to her family this is acceptable because Widget and the cousin did not drink or use any drugs. I wanted to scream am I the only one to see an issue here.

            Just prior to school being out for the summer, really the only time we heard from Widget was if she wanted a ride somewhere or for us to buy her something. (Hummm no responsibility and still get what she wants purchased for her). Thus, M and I decided to stop being her taxi and stop being her banker to see what happened. Frankly, right around prom I started feeling very used by her and her family. We also took bets on what would happen when school was out for the summer. Seems we were both right, school has been out since a week ago last Thursday and she has not been home. I did hear from her for the first time last night with excuses of why she has not checked in. Sadly, we agreed that if she failed to return home for two weeks we would assume she prefers the other life and wants ours only to pay the bills and as such let her mother know she can just stay with them.

            I rather feel like a failure for trying to help her and offer her something better but her preferring the other. I simply have grown tired of banging my head against a wall. Yet I am saddened. She is a smart, beautiful girl who has so much potential. Her counselor at school even stated she could get her a full ride scholarship because everything she has overcome to succeed. The problem is she hasn’t overcome anything and has been sucked back in. I initially was willing to fight for her, and we tried, but when she herself has chosen the alternative, it is fighting a losing battle.

            Next, Thursday will be two weeks, and M will go and have a discussion with her and her family. I am unsure if I will go along because it does break my heart, and I have a nasty temper which would probably take over and I would explain to the family exactly what their lack of desire to make something of their lives, their willingness to lie and even fracter a law or two to get what they want and their life of no responsibility is exactly how she is going to end up and instead of being a productive member of society she will likely end up a leech on the welfare system not because she needs the help but because she sees no reason to aspire to more. Again there are those who truly need the help of welfare and do aspire to more, but as in a terrible situation of which they need help and there are those who abuse the system to make it harder for those who truly need it. Sadly her family is of the latter group.

            So there is the widget update, I wish it was better news, and I truly hope I am wrong in which path I believe Widget will choose and somehow she will overcome her family ties to make something of her life, but by something she has said recently and her actions, I am not so sure. I wish we could have done more.